Dating & Cohabitation

How do you know when it's time to date? When is the right time for your child(ren) to meet your parnter? Should you wait to live with someone until after marriage?

The dating world is an interesting one. I must have dated 4 guys before I got in a healthy and committed relationship. I enjoyed myself, too, mamas! Don't think that you can't have some fun when you're single. You play yourself thinking that because you're a single mom you have to work and take care of your child(ren), only. PLEASE, stop with that unhealthy mindset, now! If you don't get out of that house and allow yourself to make some bad decisions, how will you know when you've made a good one?

Though I can't tell you what will work for you, I will tell you this....

Dating is just that. Don't take it as anything else. If you go out with someone, allow yourself to be you. Let your hair down the first date. Don't try to be snooty and you better not go out looking for your husband/life partner on the first date, because it's more so than likely that the person you are going out with isn't. Dating is about getting to know someone better while spending time doing things you never done before or things you love. Have fun, you have enough time to find out if you actually can consider this person to be a good fit for you and your child(ren).

I can't make you do anything, mama, but I will tell you that I went out looking for my husband quite a few times and he wasn't the guy I sat across from. It's not to say that this will be the case for you, as we both know, but all in all, enjoy the moment. Also, understand that most people are coming out with their mask on.

You need to get as comfortable as possible with yourself and with the dating scene to be able to see right pass the bull if you are wanting to have a partner...I'm just saying. And if you're wanting to know when you should start dating again, the answer is simple, you won't be asking, you'll be dating! Don't rush the process and don't drag the single life out, either.

It's cool to be single but unless you know that you don't ever want to get married, time is ticking and them ovaries have expiration dates my love! No seriously, it's okay to take your time to heal. I did, but in my process of healing, I dated, too. I was able to figure out what I didn't like and what I did. I started dating and stopped, ON MY TERMS, and I enjoyed some free food and good times, for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I learned some valuable lessons. One being that if I don't want him around my child, it won't work. Another being that I didn't want a man my dads age or near it. I also learned that I wanted a relationship where respect was understood and reciprocated.

When you start dating, make sure you understand what you want in the long haul, but also understand that you may not receive your love story with the person that you go on a date with. I highly suggest that you have your morals in place so that you enter a relationship with a person that you can relate to in the areas that matter to you, most. Somethings to think about are rather or not you would like more children? Do you want to date someone that has a child(ren)? Do you care if the person is involved in their child's life? What type of relationship do you want to have? What's your preference in regards to spirituality and religion? Does your partner need to make a certain amount of money? Do you want to be a stay at home parent? What about their family? What if your partner's parents are crazy? And the list goes on...will you move in or your partner? What about the children? Will you desire for your partner to discipline your child(ren)? What do you want your child's relationship with your partner to be like? If he/she has child(ren) will they live with y'all? What if you and the child(ren) don't get along? Who will be responsible for majority of the bills? If you partner and your child(ren) don't get along will your child(ren) have to move? You may not have had these things on your mind but you will have to deal with these realities after figuring out if you like the person enough to form a relationship...or family with them. Do you see now why I said allow dating to be just that? The other stuff is more intense, so why not savor the moment before jumping head first into the responsibilities. Take your time mom, seriously, you've gone this long, you can hang in there.

One thing I hesitated with speaking on is dating vs a booty call. You may think I'm crazy for saying it but we mamas have needs. You may not be willing to admit it but we all get a little horny and that's ok. I'm not telling you to go and screw the city but I'm also not going to be the one to judge you if you do! That's your business mama and you can keep it as that or find a friend that is willing to listen and not judge you on it. Don't feel bad if you aren't in the space to date. Sometimes we just want to let ourselves work, take care of our responsibilities, our children, and have our personal time...with another adult and I myself think that's ok. I will proceed to inform you that safe sex is great sex and that knowing your flings status is even better! You can get tested together or separately. I would advice you to at least wait a few months before sleeping with the person though just so that when you do get tested the results are relevant. I can't say you'll be able to find a guy that's interested in waiting to have sex so you can both get tested first but you can find ways to keep them interested before giving in. I mean, think about it like this...hopefully you aren't out here dating/flinging with a guy/girl that is actually expecting sex from you. It's a privilege not a necessity. So, if you give him/her some attention, that should make him/her happy enough and if it doesn't than you should be grateful that time showed you what you needed to know before getting in that situation.

I'm sharing my perspective on flings because I'm not big on my family meeting everyone; it's not important for them to. I'm also not a woman that feels like I have to be in a relationship. I'm actually the opposite. I could have gone without having children of my own and without a partner. That doesn't mean that I don't love my child or my man, it just means I'm not a woman that believes I have to be in a relationship to be satisfied in life. I wouldn't change my decisions for the world, though. I'm grateful for how oddly interesting my life has formed!

Have you ever experienced a booty call or sexual relations without the relationship? How was it? Do you enjoy relations over a relationship? If you don't feel comfortable sharing publicly you can email us at singlemompreneurs@gmail.com.

Now that we've crossed that bridge let's discuss the timing regarding a potential partner/partner meeting your child(ren). The real question here isn't when is the right time for your partner to meet your child(ren) but is there an actual thing as "the right time?" Just as I mentioned before, you'll know when the right time is because you'll be introducing your child(ren) to your partner. Hence, I said partner. I wouldn't just go and introduce my child to a guy I'm dating if I were you, but than again I have. I have a good friend to this day that met my child when he came in town. He was a traveler so I didn't see the harm in it. Nila still remembers him to this day. He met my little one official when her and her biological father came to a festival I was assisting him at. We still communicate and Nila speaks to him when we do. He's a good person with a good heart! I found that out before my baby girl met him. I'll say this to try and assist you...go with your gut. You are human mom and the quicker you understand and respect that the better off you are.

You will have lessons to learn, while you are raising your child to be an incredible person. You will be ok while learning those lessons. Our children don't shield us from our lessons, if anything they intensify them! I am happy to say that my friend met my daughter. We are actually trying to figure out how we can get both of our daughters in the same place at the same time and I'm in a relationship with a completely different man... I'm not sure what you've been taught but you are powerful beyond measures and if no one has shared that I am glad to be the one that has! Your energy is going to make or break things for you and you need to know that. Allow dating to be about building relationships, not finding your husband/life partner. The truth is your husband/life partner is more than likely going to come when you aren't even thinking about him/her. So for now, enjoy your process of development for your husband/life partner.

If you don't trust yourself than we need to have a completely different conversation and dating isn't going to be included in it. However, if you do trust yourself or if you are willing to trust yourself do so! Stop biting the bullet thinking that you're a complete fuck up, because you're not. If you want to play it safe, allow yourself to date for at least 3 to 4 months before having your child(ren) around. If you don't know rather or not you should bring them around by then, I wouldn't, if I were you. I say that because as soon as I met Kenneth, my man, I wanted him around my baby. He was so loving and gentle with me that I listened to Steve Harvey and I made sure I had them meet as soon as I felt it was time. If you haven't already read his book Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man. When Kenneth and I first met I was living with my grandparents and my little girl was not about to go to her grandparents or stay with mine for me to spend time with Kenneth. We headed to his place after he had come to pick us up and the rest is history. I hope this helps!

Dating is one thing, but cohabitation is another. You may not be in a relationship currently and if you're not I hope I don't have your head spinning from all this talk about relationships, dating, sex, and living with someone else but I feel like we have to talk about these things.

Before you can figure out rather you should wait until marriage to live with your partner you have to know rather or not you want to marry. If you know that you want to get married and you and your partner both want the same thing I would say come up with a plan. Your plan can either be to wait until marriage to live with one another or to live with another and get married within the process.

I will go ahead and let you know that your Pastor probably won't agree with my judgment but life ain't as it seems, now is it? I don't think that half of us do go by the book and I am not saying that you shouldn't, I am just giving my honest opinion on how you can go about things. Rather you marry or not, it doesn't mean it will work and I look at all of life like this. Nothing is guaranteed so again mama, be gentle with yourself as you take this thing day by day.

I don't necessarily do things by the book, which is why I go by The Single Mom + Preneur. I told Kenneth that he has two years to marry me, I meant that. That gives us enough time to actually see if we want to spend the rest of our lives together, some productivity within our relationship and with our personal goals, for him to be able to purchase the rock he wants to get me, and we'll be able to buy a house by then. What would you do? Would you wait until marriage or do the damn thing?

The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer. We all have to make decisions based off where we are in life. 2 years ago, my answer would be to wait until marriage. However, I entered my relationship with Kenneth and we had already lived about an hour away from one another so that was enough time away for me. We both work a lot so that is also our time away from one another. Despite all the perspectives shared, do what feels right and do not ignore what you feel. You're 9 times out of 10 going to be correct about what you feel!

As you carry on, be gentle on yourself and don't stress yourself out too much. It's a day by day journey for a reason. You have 24 hours, only, in each day. Make the best of them and don't overthink. You got this mama! You are to learn from your lessons and sometimes the unexpected is the most rewarding!!!

With Love and Best Regards,

Diamond

P.S. If you want to chat about this definitely hit me up via my profile on here. Just create your account login and find my profile. Send me a message or start a convo via our chats. You can also send an email and the team will be sure I get it. I love chatting, so don't hesitate to share your perspective; the worse that can come out of it is that we'll agree to disagree. If anything did offend you, understand that's not my intent and that I can only share from my perspective and journey. Lastly, let's stay open minded...it's much more fun that way. Life is too short to be so serious about others perspectives, decisions, and journeys.